And the web expands . . .

Blossom-Garland of the Field
I bid as one in the skin of Virgins,
Stitch'd full round with Thread of White.
Once to lure, and twice secure;
And thrice to make them Bright.

--Viridarium Umbris

"So, I hear you are into magick, and you kind of know something about magick, and you are kind of familiar with the kink community . . . ."

"Uh huh."

I knew I was in trouble, but little did I know that I would then be proffered an esteemed space in this particular medium. But I was, and so here I am adding my voice to this growing chorus. Although I have years of experience with both magick and writing, I will submit that I feel a bit out of my element here: For years, I have been a rope bottom, but only recently have I started to really explore tying others.

But here I am, and hopefully I will prove an stimulating -- entertaining, if not informative -- supplement to Miriam.

Closing the circle

It's been important to me lately to bring all of my tools to bear in both my communities, which works for me because there is a lot more overlap than what one would think. So much of the basic tech around communication skills, creating a good container for the work, raising energy, grounding, etc. is shared at a pretty deep level by my magickal community and the kink community. And where there's not already overlap, there's a lot of room for potential. (For example, I think a kink community grounded in consent has a lot to learn from consensus.) I have several articles rattling around the back of my head on this, none of which I'll be writing in the limited time I have today.

But sometimes the tools are really quite literal as well. I (co-)priestess a fair number of rituals for the pagan holidays, and have been finding ways to bring my "other" tools out to play -- for example using my rope to create a quick drum harness, or as a cord to hold my athame. Last night, it was casting circle using my new, razor-sharp scene knife. Yes, of course, it was a magickal tool already. But even I was surprised at how much energy it held of it's own as I held it to the ground before casting circle. Forget any purist that would begrudge it its little plastic handle; it did its job well.

Bringing my athame to play was a no-brainer. Bringing my new scene knife to ritual was less intuitive, but I'm very glad I did it. These kinds of shared tools bring me full circle: top to priestess, bottom to mystic, and every point between.

Happy Equinox, y'all.

Expanding the Web

So, I've been thinking for a while about opening up Arachne's Web to guest bloggers. I'm pleased and delighted that I have a couple of folks planning to come on board for just that. Watch this space.

My First Suspension

If I had the energy at the moment to write up my SIG this weekend, it would be titled: "My First Suspension," by Miriam. Perhaps it would even be a picture book.

However having rigged my first (and second, and third) suspensions today, including an awesome full suspension, I am exhausted. Perhaps after I have had more sleep . . .

How to Fuck Up

There's an interesting thread going on right now over at Mistress Matisse's journal about codependency and rescuing. In short: guy is at wits end trying to help his addict girlfriend, guy appeals to Matisse for advice in how to help girlfriend, guy ends up getting some advice he probably didn't at all expect about dealing with his own codependency. Unsurprisingly, the entry touched a nerve. The comments board is on fire with folks' opinions on all this.

Somehow, from links of links of links, I ended up at an oldie but goodie from the Alt.Polyamory FAQ. I haven't read Elise Matthesen's "How to Fuck up a Relationship" in a while, but it's still a good one. (And no, it's not just about polyamory.) If you want to fuck up a perfectly good relationship, there probably isn't a better game plan.

Go read it. I'll wait . . .

Seriously, though, building a healthy relationship keeps coming down to pretty simple strategies.

• Develop tools to know and understand yourself.
  
• Develop tools to communicate.
  
• Use them.
  
• Take on responsibility for your own "stuff": actions, emotions, feelings, desires. Be accountable.
  
• Respectfully decline to take responsibility for your partners' "stuff".

Sadly, while this stuff is "simple," it's sure as hell not easy. What is the saying? A minute to learn and a lifetime to master? It's that. It doesn't help that we're up against an entire culture that encourages dysfunction.

And everyone has their own stumbling blocks. It's not easy, not at all. But looking at the alternatives of codependency and mutual resentment, I can't imagine intentionally going the other way.

And its all on a foundation, one block on the other. If "you can't exchange power you don't have," it's equally true that you can't be in a relationship if you don't have a self to relate from.

It all starts with knowing yourself. I don't care what your practice for knowing yourself is. I'm fond of sitting practice and Julia Cameron's "morning pages" but everyone has their own way. Meditation, yoga, trancework, therapy -- whatever works for you is your way. But without that practice of self-knowledge, there is nothing to communicate. No responsibility to take, and none to withhold. There are no clear desires and no means to articulate them. There are no means to determine if something is working for you or not. And that feels like a very dangerous place to be, and a very dangerous place to take others.

Austin Rope Symposium 2007

Watch this space for more information on the next Austin Rope Symposium. (Which, paradoxically, will not be in Texas.)

Early rumors are that the presenters list will be amazing.

So keep an eye out. Just don't, you know, bump me from my spot in the registrations.

I'm a sucker for a vintage cord . . .

Like Bettie Page, but hate the sloppy ropework she and her cohorts are in most of the time? Looking for some vintage-style bondage executed with a bit more skill?

In steps Tie Me Up Tom.com with some really fun pics of leather- and lingerie-clad bottoms in some really nice ropework. It's enough to redeem my opinion of cotton and nylon, seriously. Nice stuff. And of course it's got the smile afterward, not to mention the smile during.

Want more? Tom also has a Livejournal. Complete with ponies!

Polyamory hits the dailies

Of the places I'd expect to see an article on polyamory, I can't say the Chicago Tribune was high on my list.

While the article isn't overwhelmingly positive (descriptions of folks past their teens gazing "googly-eyed" aren't generally approving), it also isn't a smear piece. Mostly, it seems to make polyamorous folk look, well, as pedestrian as GLBT folks.

"The majority of polyamorists are white middle- and upper-class professionals," says Elisabeth Sheff, an assistant professor of sociology at Georgia State University. She's one of the few academics who have studied polyamory, interviewing hundreds for her research.

"Many work in the computer industry, so there is a strong online community. They tend to gravitate toward urban areas," she said, "much like gays and lesbians."

Things not to do

When it comes to the scene, I'm a relative newbie. I am still learning the ins and outs of etiquette, and am often very grateful to run in low-protocol circles. But there are a few things I've learned which apply to both the magickal and kink communities, from which I can begin to assemble a short list of Miriam's Things Not to Do at Events. And since I apparently woke up on the snarky side of the bed this morning, I will happily share.

#1. Do not touch my tools without asking. More specifically, ask first and actually gain permission before touching. Usually if polite people ask about my different kinds of rope, I will hand some over for them to touch. But do not walk over, pick up a hank of rope, and then ask if you can touch it -- particularly if you are a complete stranger at your first Rope SIG. I may forgive you, and even be nice to you later, but you have just gained yourself a nice little lecture. Really, do you want me on my soapbox? The next time someone does this, I'm going to tell them I last used that rope for ass play.

#2. Do not distract the scene. It may look like the scene is very low protocol; knowing my darling Misfit Bottoms (tm), it probably is. It may also look like I have several folks already involved in some way. Again, I'm betting you're right. But if this is a scene (i.e., not an instructional SIG where I've asked for feedback), do not interrupt. Things are not always as casual as they appear to be. That guy you see consulting me on how to apply and take off the wax? I negotiated with him to teach me. The other guy helping out? We came here together, and he is the hotness. Our victim? Well, you know she's in. You on the other hand are a complete stranger telling me how to get the wax off my girl, and how my hot new knife that I came here to play with is tedious and inefficient. I am quite certain you did not mean to do that.

#3. Ask before giving feedback. This should be rule number one of the magickal and kink communities. In fact, it sort of is in the magickal community. I am particularly fond of Donald Engstrom's rules for feedback, which are (in paraphrase from this Reclaiming teacher's resource):

Feedback should be:

Given with permission
Timely
Something that can actually be changed
Specific
Only that which will further the work

(That page has some excellent teaching notes on keeping good boundaries, negotiation, communication that would highly benefit either community.)

There are several dozen right ways to hank rope, many of which I've gratefully learned from feedback at SIGs. The time to tell me yours is not immediately after a scene, as I have just gotten my girl out of suspension, when you haven't even introduced yourself.

Oh, and then there's the fun corrollary:

#4. Don't assume you know everyone's roles, or that they are static. I once had the fantastic experience of having a gentleman rigger come up to me while I was in a partial suspension. "When I met you at ARS, I could have sworn you were a top!" said he. "I am," I said, and flipped around in the ropes. My darling submissive? She becomes an evil top on a dime once I get her out of the ropes. Anyone who's been around for a while will quickly figure this out, especially any girl she wants to torture. Underestimate her at your peril. (And don't think that collar keeps you safe; I'm a rather indulgent Daddy.)

The latest funny came when I was teaching Cap'n to bundle the ropes after a scene last week; he asked if he could help and I was trying to teach him how I do it. He tried a couple of times, didn't quite get it, and I took over. (No lack of credit to him; it was 4 in the morning, and we'd been playing all night.) J. Random Person from the sidelines (see #3 above) said: "You should order him to do it again." Ummm. "He's not my submissive, and I don't give him orders. He's my top." I wish I hadn't been so busy with the rope; I'd have loved to see the look on that guy's face.

And finally, and very important:

#5. Don't try any of these assy tricks just so Miriam will give you the hairy eyeball. I know the hairy eyeball is fun and all that, but if you want me to be mean to you, just ask. Violating any of the above rules is one of the easiest ways to ensure you don't get play. Seriously.

_________________

Speaking of places to practice good manners: we're at about 10 weeks. I have seriously got to get my stuff together for Shibaricon. Aiiiiieeee!

More practical rigging

At first I was a little embarrassed to see that someone made it to this lil blog from Googling for gardening info. But then I remembered: I'm shameless. And I followed the link back to see how I'd showed up.

And, being shameless, I'll share back with the rest of the class.

Got twine? Got bamboo? Well, then, you can also get thee a fence with very simple traditional Japanese knots. I suspect the basic fence- and trellis- skills on this site could also make very nice, sturdy play racks for the more shameless among us.

Snakes on a sub

Fantastic weekend. All the good things: leather, rope, talons, knives, wax, rigging, hot sex, and -- last but not least -- a motherfucking snake on the motherfucking girl. (Hot!)

More weekend updates when I have slept for more than four hours.

Clothespins in their native environments

My dryer is on the fritz. My friends will notice a pattern: I have what is most charitably described as a problematic relationship with all things electronic or mechanical. From gardening tools to communications devices: if it runs on electricity, it's likely to break down on me. (And people wonder why I prefer rope to Violet Wands!)

Anyway, my dryer is on the fritz. And so, I am line drying. My temple room has become a laundry room. My hanger bar, which usually serves as a toy rack, has reverted to holding lots of wet clothes on hangers. My clothespins are, quite naturally, pinning up cloth napkins and trousers.

Except: it's not natural, I tell you! Clothespins are for . . . well, nipples! And labia! And boy bits! What is this craziness of using them to pin up clothes? And why does doing my laundry suddenly bring this strange erotic thrill?

I have never wanted a service sub quite so badly. Oh, the possibilities. But seriously, I mostly want my dryer fixed so that my temple can revert to its normal purpose, and I can stop eroticising my wet clothing.

Mmmm, outdoors shops . . .

Two carabiners, a figure-eight and a hot little Side Hawg 2 later, I am ready to think that outdoors outfitters are the new kink shops.

The knife especially makes me happy. It's compact, well shaped, and has a lil carabiner that will be perfect to hang off my leather bondage skirt. And they're not kidding about razor sharp. While I don't exactly recommend shaving with one, I've already tried just that, getting used to it.

Oh yeah, I got a new bondage book, too. (Not at the outdoors shop, although wouldn't that be handy?) More on that later.

A piece on service, via Midori

This little rumination on service is simply charming.

Release

There are a couple of riggers in my local community who do very firm therapeutic acupressure in play. At first, you think: Oh, that's nice, the rigger is going to give me a bit of a massage. That will help me relax in the ropes.

Uh huh.

Then, the next thing you know you're up there flying about in the harness with both feet suspended, completely unable to move, and the top has his thumb pressed all the way between two muscles in your buttocks, basically Rolfing and rerouting something as intimate as your basic architecture.

Ow.

I'm not sure if it's the pain, or the realization that I am no longer in control of something as simple and basic as my musculature. What I do know is that I went down, hard. So hard that a photographer friend asked after me to see if I was okay. Down, down, down. Unable to move. Unable to resist. Unable to do anything but allow my muscles to give way to a pressure right at the edge of bearable.

It was . . . pretty amazing. Massage school folk have just taken on amazing new properties in my mind. (Damn: another vanilla profession treyfed for me.)

The internets were built for porn . . .

Okay, so my Cap'n friend thinks the internets were built for porn. My dear Cap'n, this link to Chanta Rose's new site Fucked and Bound is for you. (Softcore? No, eh?)

But hey, it's got the smile afterward not to mention more than a bit of the smile during.

(And, if you're into that kind of rope-and-sex thing, the preview page has enough to give one plenty of wicked ideas for upcoming play parties . . . )

Creating enforceable rules

Sara Robinson of Orinicus has a few interesting things to say about the fine art of laying down the law:

People who try to enforce unforceable rules are typically either authoritarians, utopians, or both. Invariably, when respect for the law and its makers has broken down, they resort to force to maintain order. On a larger level, if it's chaos you're after, there's nothing like demanding that a system behave in ways contrary to its own internal intelligence and performance capacity.

A corollary to this is that all legitimate authority springs from mutual respect between the leader and the led.

I think she'd be surprised to see her words end up here -- and knowing the power of the search engine, may well be soon -- but she unsurprisingly has a point.

There are a million ways to do The Things that We Do, from Master/slave to Dom/sub to Daddy/girl or /boy to . . . I dunno, Cap'n/swabby. The point is: a system and set of accompanying rules should work with the actors, not against them.

Yes, there is a lot of room for a good top to push a bottom's limits. And, ideally, a good top also has the capacity to stretch his or her own capacity.

And yet: trying to push for a one-size-fits-all solution to bsdm just isn't going to work. We are human beings, individuals, in relationships. Which means that we all come to the table with our own 'intelligence', and our own 'performance capacity'. So, working with that: that's the trick.

What I want, at the end of the day, is to find and enrich what gets me and my sweeties hard and wet, excited and enervated, challenged and satisfied. Jack Rinella reminds us all that the point of this stuff is to have fun. And to do that, we have to create systems that work. We will never be one size fits all, and thank gods for it.

The other corollary, I think, is actually enforcing the enforceable rules. But that may well be another post . . .

The spirit of the rope

Being a good pagan, I realized early this week that I should try to build an alliance with my rope as a tool by creating a relationship with the spirit of the rope itself. Yes, those of you who are not pagans may think this is gobbeldygook, but it all felt very profound to me.

For the most part, this has involved lots of using a 15-foot rope to tie myself into a lovely crotch rope with a "happy knot" and masturbating, while focused on increasing my erotic ties to the rope.

Unsurprisingly, it's been a very good week. ;-)

No, Seriously

My friends are training a puppy. I joke a lot with the "mom" of the two of them that I learn a lot listening to her adventures in puppy-training, and that's actually true. She seems amused and titillated when I seem to suddenly get what she's talking about, pretty much as she does with most things kink.

Apparently, they recently super-sized their dog crate. My friend tells me a human could probably fit in it snugly, and that she'd mentioned this to her incredulous husband.

Dog mom: "Wow, I bet Miriam would really like this cage if we ever get rid of it."
Dog dad: (chuckles) "Yeah, um, sure she would."
Dog mom: "No, seriously. You have no idea how much Miriam wants a dog cage."

Because I'm blessed to be surrounded by kink and magick folks, I don't often realize that what I do is in "no, seriously" territory for other people. Friends like this one are an excellent reality check sometimes.

And, yes. I do seriously want a puppy cage.