A Kinkster's Guide to Pantheacon - Part 1

For folks that don't know, Pantheacon is the longest running pagan con on the West Coast, usually netting about 1000 pagans every February for conferences and rituals on every topic under the sun. I've been attending off and on (mostly on) for about twelve years now, and try not to miss more than a year at a time, if that. The further I get away from the West Coast, the more Pantheacon is my yearly family reunion.

I also have a soft spot in my heart for Pantheacon as a kinkster. I've been going to P-Con since long before I realized there was a kinky "community." I was poly long before my 23-year-old self first went up to San Jose, but P-Con was my first chance to actually meet other poly folks, and talk with them in person about what worked and didn't in their own relationships. I remember how many years I was too scared to go to the ecstatic Pombagira ritual to the sacred whore; it makes me laugh now, but it's true.

I remember the huge trepidation I had about going to see a flogging ritual demo with Dossie Easton and Joy Wolfwomyn perhaps eight years ago. (And remember being mildly surprised that the top in question was the very sweet-looking woman that I'd met at Elie Sheva's Hebrew Paganism workshop the day before. Shows what I knew back then!) But I did go, and that was the first time I really, deeply got it that kink might be something that fit with the rest of my life, with my values, with my spirituality. And of course I haven't looked back. I've made it to as many of Dossie's workshops as possible since: kink workshops, poly workshops, hot chakra-opening exercizes. Every last one has been itself worth the increasingly long trip out.

And my own first flogging was at Pantheacon, too. I remember still the negotiation we had over pizza, the full table of pagans getting wider and wider eyed as they realized that I was going to let my priestess and top friend C. use her barrage of floggers on me. (Good thing, too - she'd gone through hell getting them on the plane, so best she got some use out of them!) Everyone skipped the next workshop, went back to C.'s room, and Miriam got naked and flogged a bit. Years later, I did some of my first topping scenes at Pantheacon, teaching a young man the sephirot of the kabbalah with some very nasty binder clips applied to the back. (I think the difference between mercy and severity might have seemed rather slight on that!)

Even my tools tend to come from P-Con; almost all of my floggers come from Pantheacon vendors, and hope to get a proper hand-made corset this year. (And, insha'allah, a collar.)

I'd started this post planning to talk about kink- and poly-related workshops on the menu for this year, but I'll save that for another post tomorrow. This trip down memory lane has been far more interesting, now that I think about it. I realized that my early adventures in kink were linked with my magickal practice, but hadn't realized quite what a debt I owe to my beloved Con for that. This year, I hope to pack an inordinate amount of rope and keep the tradition going . . .

(to be continued . . . )

Eels and those that love them - Seattle

Again, I am jealous of those Seattle folks and their Wet Spot. Max presents a class Sunday on High Security Rope Bondage, for would-be bondage escapees. Sadly my double-jointed friend and I are here in the dirty South. He's still convinced that employing ottomans is cheating, and I'm inclined to agree.

Even if you're not in Seattle, click through for the pictures of gyaku ebi and ebi. The gyaku ebi looks like the bottom really knows her bow pose. (Very timely!)

I love the note that asks bottoms to come showcase their "'slightly' bratty escape skills". 'Slightly' is good. The last time I was at an escape workshop, we were all ready to practice rope gags by the end . . .

Practice

I'm thinking a lot lately about compensatory poses. In yoga, we take on challenging poses of some sort, and then resting poses that deliberately reverse the strain on those muscles. My practice partner and I had both been doing strenuous outdoorsy work on Saturday, so going into this Sunday's Rope SIG, I was thinking about ropework that would at best help with easing those muscles and at worst not hurt.

I've had hogties on the brain, and he's a meditative type, so we started with a gyaku ebi - a "reverse shrimp," or Japanese hogtie, in which the ankles are anchored to a chest harness. I left him in just long enough for a short meditative rest. He mentioned later he could have gone much longer and probably if we'd been working in my studio we would have. But I wanted to check out my theory, and so brought him up to sitting and changed him into the Ebi, or "shrimp", attaching the chest harness forward to the legs, which are folded and tied in a simple cross. Ebi can be very difficult on the legs and neck after a while, but for this short while the poses seemed to do what I wanted -- compensating for each other's stretches, and putting some ease on overworked muscles.

Later, I did some "rope jazz" (read: Miriam making stuff up) in which I anchored his ankles to an ottoman's legs, created a spread two column tie between the ankles in front, put his arms in niwatori, then anchored the niwatori forward to the two column tie. Great fun, and a perfect position for a nice flogging with my rope floggers.

All this, and I got to finally try a cupcake chest harness on a lovely rope virgin, which turned out beautifully.

Sadly no pictures. I really do need to do more pictures soon, not least because I find I'm a lot more precise with a camera around.

Kinky microbusiness

As I build up my toy chest, I want to support community artisans when I can.

Yes, there are major sex industry companies starting to pay attention to kink. But compare Doc Johnson's "Japanese bondage rope" (don't get me started . . . ) to actual hand-processed hemp rope and there's really no comparison is there? Same with floggers. Yes, I can by a mass-produced flogger, if I really want to. But that's worlds away from the gorgeous work I can by from an actual artisan, in the community, who is probably the first consumer of their own best work.

Increasingly, most of my toys come from folks I have met. The beautiful floggers I've bought from kinky pagan vendors at Pantheacon, or the rope I buy from Twisted Monk. The amazing canes I've bought from Prysm or the "cane guy" at EROS. (Gods, I miss the cane guy!)

There's something important to me about the quality and energy of hand-made tools. Even if they follow a design rather than being one of a kind - as most of Prysm's work does - these tools have a very different vibe than mass-production. And, I know that my money is staying in the community, which fits with my leftie values.

That said, there's a word to say about how it's done. I think part of it is about the vendor knowing their own limits.

That Monk? He's wicked smart. When I order there, the little automated message says it's going to be two to three weeks before they get around to my order. And then, a couple of days later, I get that automated message that says my order has shipped, the email that always makes me squee a bit. Monk follows the first rule of smart business: underpromise, and overdeliver. I've ordered right before Hallowe'en, Christmas, a huge event when I know the staff are crunched. I always order with the expectation that getting the order will take a while. It never does. Last time I ordered, there was a wee issue with the shopping cart. I mentioned it, and it was fixed literally within minutes. Very professional.

Contrast this with another site that I went to the same day I ordered the rope. It had lovely tools. I loved looking at the work. It had a few custom items not for sale but for inspiration, and others for sale. Some of them I could almost imagine in my hands. The ones for sale has a listed price, but despite this the site said you have to contact the vendor before making a purchase. Okay. But the email link is broken. I reconstruct the email by hand from the link, and send out the note. Since that day, my rope order has been placed, processed, and shipped. I'm still waiting for a return email from my query on the other site. Not very professional.

Same thing at any event. Some booths have not only their wares, but cards and information. They make eye contact. They explain their tools. The vendors shake hands, and are friendly. Prysm even encourages you to try the Thumper, with an evil glint in her eyes.

Or, someone has a booth at an event, and is very clear - what you see is that you get, I just don't have the bandwidth to do custom orders or to do this as my day job. Also professional, in its way. Not everyone has the energy to do this all the time, but they also have the goodwill to offer what they make when they make it. There's nothing wrong there. It's the making promises (even implied ones) that you can't back up that leads to trouble, I think.

So, that's my rant on the state of kinky microbusiness today. All this and a book to say I'm having a hard time finding floggers and a custom-made collar that I like! I'm putting my hopes on Pantheacon . . .

Ha'Shibari lo kasheh . . .

I was amused today to find among my Googlings this Shibari site from Israel.

Unfortunately for most of my readers the site is entirely in Hebrew. Pretty pictures, however, are universal.

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

Some folks like to work out their frustrations through BSDM.

I get it, but I'm not that girl.

My period has started. I'm in pain, and I'm cranky. I want a gold star for not killing anyone yet today. It doesn't matter that it's barely daylight out and I haven't actually left my house yet. In fact, I think I want a new gold star for every hour I don't kill anyone today.

On days like this, I can think of nothing I want less than to play someone. Take out my frustrations? Um, no. I'd seriously draw blood, if just for the symmetry of the thing.

Nope. If I'm going to control someone, I want to be in control of myself first. If I'm going to discipline someone, I want to do it from a place of self-discipline. I play to gain mastery, not lose it.

One happy day, I shall slip my (as yet hypothetical) service sub notes from under the door: instructions to run me a hot bath, pour some red wine, and then take $10 and go to the movies. Only then I shall slink out from the confines of my room and become the good mistress again, restored by hot water and the sympathetic magick of red beverage, and most of all by solitude and understanding. I shall return to laughing and being myself, to inflicting pain and pleasure with skill, to being in control of myself enough to control others.

For today, I shall draw myself little gold stars with a highlighter, and get through the day dreaming of that bath tonight. Perhaps I'll keep reading Sex, Time, and Power which is just starting to make sense of all this blood and moon nonsense.

Yoga for Rope Enthusiasts: Bow Pose

So, you like hogties, do you?

Well, who doesn't? They're very pretty, and pretty darned helpless to be in. Lovely thing, the hogtie.

But perhaps a bit hard to hold. Legs arched up, arms or body arched back. Those lovely ones with the hair tied in? Exquisite, and tiring. But you don't want to disappoint . . .

Well, that's where Bow Pose, or Dhanurasana, comes in. Bow pose is a self-bound pose, in which you lay face down and use your hands to grasp your ankles for a deep backbend.

Tonight, I did regular bow poses as well as an upper-body variation in which we put a folded yoga blanket under the ribs, kept the thighs on the floor, and very deeply stretched just the upper part of the back. In all of them, I got that strange thrill of pushing myself to hold the pose just a bit longer, just a bit deeper, and imagined trying to do them bound. I was able to figure out my triggers for leg and foot cramps, and plans to work through those outside of ropes.

After the active stretch of Bow Pose, I imagine it would be easier to hold a good hogtie. Experiments are in order . . .

Arcane's Attic

I found the link to Arcane's Attic from the tutorials. In the "handouts" section there's a neat little set of tutorials on Florentine double-handed flogging. Not my thing at the moment, but maybe someone will find it useful.

The floggers are also lovely looking, and very reasonable. I am excited about one stingy suede one with a four-inch handle especially designed for users with small hands. It's difficult to find floggers that are sized for wee things like myself and the girls I tend to play with. It's nice to see someone out there paying attention to us as a market.

Jute!

Because I love y'all, I am passing along the scoop that Twisted Monk just posted a 40% off sale on Japanese jute rope. For the moment, the jute is less expensive than hemp. $0.75 per foot. Check out the "exotics" section, and enjoy.

Of course, I posted this after first placing my order. I love y'all, but a girl must have her priorities.

The Bookpile

It occurs to me that I'm a morning person these days. Thankfully, I've mastered the fine art of occasionally staying up late enough to have my kinky fun, but I've never mastered the opposite art of sleeping in.

I'm feeling writerly this morning, tinkering with the start of a new story. There's something about this cold weather that makes me want to write in the mornings, and curl up with books in the evenings.

Just finished:

• Jack Rinella, Partners in Power and The Master's Manual. When Jack was on his recent book tour, I bought every book he had. I haven't been at all disappointed. He mentioned something to me about publishers who wanted him to write to a lower reading level, but I'm glad he's not. Partners is dense and chewy, as philosophical as practical. It's definitely up for a re-read soon. The Manual is also very good, not least because it's actually about what it claims to be about - domininance. I've been very disappointed by other books claiming to be about D/s, when in actuality they are mostly about S/m technique. Master's Manual actually talks about that sticky wicket of power, and exchanging it, and it's written by a very serious top who wholly owns his own adventures in bottoming. I loved reading it.
  
• Lavinia Plonka, What Are You Afraid Of? A body/mind guide to courageous living. I've actually been working through this since T. Thorn Coyle recommended it over a year ago, and finally took the plunge to finish it this week. Plonka is a Feldenkrais teacher, and writes about fear from a bodyworker's perspective, with diagnostics and exercizes to identify and conquer common anxieties. Not all of the bodywork spoke to me, but I should probably pay more attention there. The positions we create in rope work could easily trigger mind/body issues, and it's better to be conscious about that than not.
  
• Milan Kundera, Identity. I love Kundera. I know it's not fair, but I prefer his Czech works to his French ones, even though I read both in English. It's not just the use of language, which goes a bit less dense in the French. It's the themes, which get unmoored from detail and go veering into philosophy and ideas. Still, I read and re-read him. And these little French novels are a quick read.

And of course I'm reading a lot at the same time . . .

• David Holmgren, Permaculture: Principles and Pathways Beyond Sustainability. I'm re-reading this now in preparation for a class I co-teach on magick and urbanism. When we last taught the class, we integrated permaculture principles into the work as a heuristic, and I'm trying to find ways to further smooth that out for the next time we teach. I'm a huge proponent of permaculture, and tend to use it as a general systems theory, not just for plants. Polyamory, personal scheduling, house organization? Why not? For an introduction to the topic, this is probably one of the best out there, mostly because it goes well beyond landscaping and food growing to these larger ideas.
  
• Leonard Shlain, Sex, Time, and Power. This is the same author who wrote The Alphabet versus the Goddess, which surprisingly I haven't read yet. It's basically about human evolution, and looks at how women's sexual power grew as we moved toward bipedalism and more difficult labors and away from estrus and its obvious sexual cues. In future chapters, he's going to link this up with some of the ways human sexuality is quite different from the rest of the animal kingdom, including those pleasure-seeking bonobos. I don't know that I agree with all of Shlain's points, but it definitely gets me thinking.
  
• Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy, The New Topping Book. I try to re-read these books (this one and The New Bottoming Book) every couple of years or so. Like Jack Rinella, Hardy and Easton speak to the part of me that is looking for more power exchange and less tech. (Not that they don't have excellent things to say about tech!) Concepts like "the forever place" and tips on how to manage negotiation without breaking scene have deeply informed the way I approach scening. Most importantly, they approach BDSM with a basic assumption that tops are caring and compassionate people under the scary exterior and speak to important things like the emotional landscape of BDSM, including self-care and personal work for tops. I honestly don't know how I'd approach this work without them, but I'd be poorer for it.
  
• Ivo Dominguez, Jr., Of Spirits: The Book of Rowan. Speaking of navigating liminal spaces! This book is billed as a "guide to understanding the nature of discarnate beings". It's a fairly advanced book of tech for magickal practioners wanting to do work with ancestors, faery work, astral work, invoking, channelling or other similar practices. Personally, I'm with Crowley on this: I really don't care when it comes down to it if I am really working with discarnate beings, or aspects of my own psyche. Perhaps this work is even more important if what we are really doing is contacting disconnected aspects of Self. This slim little book gives a guide to doing the Work (more) safely and effectively: a guide to risk-aware consensual divine contact.

Ladies in waiting:

• Jack Rinella, The Compleat Slave and Philosophy in the Dungeon. If these are half as good as the other books, I can't wait to dig into them. I'm saving Philosophy for last, but I'm really excited about it.
  
• Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, The New Bottoming Book and The Ethical Slut (and probably Radical Ecstasy, if I can figure out what happened to my copy!). These are definitely work a re-read now and again.
  
• Starhawk, Dreaming the Dark, Truth or Dare and The Earth Path. I've read Dreaming and Truth before, but they're up for a re-read. I haven't read The Earth Path now, but am looking forward to it. Much of Starhawk's personal work is around permaculture these days, so I'm very interested to see how that informs and is informed by her magickal work. I'm not sure if The Earth Path speaks to this, but I'd think it would.

Bondage scarves and clothing lust

If one of these lovely Bridgett Harrington bondage scarfs was available in red, I'd probably have bought it at ARS last summer. Still trying to decide if I'll settle for black . . .

Trickster

In other news, assuming that Tejas ever defrosts, I highly recommend the new play Trickster at the Vortex Theater in Austin.

The play is just wonderful overall. The cast is comprised in some part of magickal people, and includes a revue of the trickster gods of the world. But unlike some previous Vortex work, the magickal theater aspects are not at all heavy handed. The play is smart and funny, the tunes are catchy, and some of the tricks are downright captivating.

And of course one of the things I loved best were the acrobatics. Sadly, Anansi did not make as much use as she could have with the lovely rope spider web. But both Anansi and the Monkey King did incredible work with a hanging rope and some long nylon curtains off a carabiner, doing incredibly talented self-suspensions by wrapping themselves in the long sashes. Mix that up with the Monkey King's completely irrepressable humor and sexuality, and I was biting my knuckles by the end of the night. So good.

I think it's probably showing weekends for three more weeks. That is, if central Texas ever dries out and warms up . . .

Ice / Play

I've been in a massive ice storm for days. Normally this might lead to lots of writing, but I've been snowed in with the Pyrate Lass and so we've been spending time together instead. Friends taunt us that we must be having massive amounts of kinky sex. And yes, I have discovered exactly how evil my little flogger with the blood knots is. But mostly, we've been being girls and having deep conversations and lots of tea and watching art films.

Still, if there was ever a good time for a mummification, this may well be the day.

Different limits

I promise I'll have a proper entry soon, but for now, Control Tower made me smile.

The bottom in me grins, as I'm a bit of a pain slut. (Although - warmup please!) And the top in me happily remembers that my arm was sore just like that, very recently . . .

Damn Geography, anyway

Most of the time, I love where I live.

But that's when I'm not having to miss yummy-sounding classes on face bondage and CBT because they're thousands of miles away. If you are in fact closer to Seattle, you might want to check this out. Well, hell, if you're just about anywhere (but work) you should at least peek at the delicious picture of what you'll be missing.

And then in Milwaukee, I hear that the lovely Graydancer is going to be giving classes this month on The Eroticism of Rope and rope and power exchange. Sigh . . .

Closer to home, Steve Indand and Savannah will be offering beginning and intermediate rope bondage classes mid-Feburary at Forbidden Fruit in Austin. I've taken the intro classes and they're good - Steve is a patient teacher with good pacing, and I think he's a great one to take beginner's rope work from. I'm really pleased that he's now offering an intermediate class, which he'll be giving back to back with the intro. I'd love to see what he's doing, and see who shows up.

The irony? That's the weekend I'll be in San Francisco.

I suppose there's always Shibaricon . . .

On Icebreakers

In a munch last Saturday, the discussion leader asked about New Year's resolutions. What a fantastic opportunity for an icebreaker! Sadly, it didn't work out so well for a lot of folks.

Being me, I have some suggestions.

So - you're in a kink meeting. The leader brings up an icebreaker question, such as, "What are your resolutions this year?" Or, "What is a fantasy that you'd like to act out?" Or something even worse, "What's one of your secret or forbidden fantasies?" Something like that.

If you're most people, you freeze, right? How can someone ask something so personal and earnest of me right here, right now? How can I answer that in front of all these people, many of whom are complete strangers?

Or, perhaps you go for the literal truth. Well, I did make a resolution this year, and my resolution is to lose weight or clean up the house or pay my bills or whathaveyou.

Stop for just a moment there. Just pause.

When the cute guy or girl at the grocery store asks how your day is going, do you really feel obligated to tell the whole and dirty truth: that you just had a bad day at work, and the cat just puked on your carpet so you have to buy cleaner? Not so much, eh? You smile and say, I'm fine, how are you? or perhaps you even go for a pickup line. That's what's happening here. Just breathe for a moment with me, we're going to be okay.

So, a few suggestions.

First, there's no one grading you here. In the kink example: no one knows or cares if this is really your most forbidden kink. There is no one with a scorebook or a lie detector. (Although that could be a fun scene.)

Second, this is your opportunity, and one you don't get very often. Right here, right now, you have the opportunity to say something that might encourage more of what you want from the scene. If you're looking to play more publically, you might say that you want that. If you are looking to be left more to yourself at parties, this would be a lovely time to say something about your singular devotion to your dom. No one is asking you to confess your secret Daddy play fixation in front of everyone. (Um, ooops!)

Third, you get points just for answering. For the resolutions, I really paid attention to the folks that didn't resist the question, or argue with it, or try to use a cop out. I paid a lot of attention to the folk that answered with something - maybe not their "real" resolution, but something. Why? Because those are the folks showing me in this moment that they have the social skills to use an opportunity like this for connection, and to speak up for something they want. And those, my friends, are the people I want to be playing with. In a few cases, I made note of the actual resolutions. In most cases, I just noted who spoke up.

Finally, the more specific the better. Saying that you want to "play more" is a start, but not terribly helpful as an icebreaker. It doesn't tell me if you want to top, bottom, or go sideways. It doesn't tell me if you're looking to play more in your bedroom or at parties, with just your partner or with others. It doesn't tell me if you're into singletails, canes, floggers, needles, mindfucks, cageplay or rope. It doesn't tell me much at all that helps me to get to know you better, and that's where it really falls down on the job.

For myself? I believe I said that I want to be doing a lot more rigging this year, both in my mundane and magickal life and on cute bottoms at parties. When I got a couple of volunteers, all the better. I made a date to play with one of them the very next day, fulfilling both our resolutions at once. Huzzah! Maybe next year I'll be ready to be even more specific, resolve to perfect the art of hair bondage or something like that. Who knows?

That, my friends, is what the icebreaker is for. It's your 20-second opportunity to put your best face forward to ask for something you want from your community. No more, no less. No panic.

Now go forth, and break that ice!

Out with the old, in with the new

For weeks, it's been festive. Lights on houses, parties to go to, people in fabulous clothing drinking sweet wines and wines that foam.

New Year's was fabulous. My community's party tends to overflow with a huge group for New Year's, and allows drinking. Which tends to make the party more social event than play party. But we managed to have a good time anyway, sequestering ourselves to the play rooms for a bit: an elegant trio co-topping and ringing in the new year with canes and floggers over a roped-down bottom with a huge grin. I am definitely resolved to play more this year. Such a tough resolution . . .

Early January feels rather dull by comparison. I'm really looking forward to Jack Rinella's booksigning and talk this weekend, and hopefully making it to my local rope SIG later in the month. (It's been far too long.)