On Icebreakers

In a munch last Saturday, the discussion leader asked about New Year's resolutions. What a fantastic opportunity for an icebreaker! Sadly, it didn't work out so well for a lot of folks.

Being me, I have some suggestions.

So - you're in a kink meeting. The leader brings up an icebreaker question, such as, "What are your resolutions this year?" Or, "What is a fantasy that you'd like to act out?" Or something even worse, "What's one of your secret or forbidden fantasies?" Something like that.

If you're most people, you freeze, right? How can someone ask something so personal and earnest of me right here, right now? How can I answer that in front of all these people, many of whom are complete strangers?

Or, perhaps you go for the literal truth. Well, I did make a resolution this year, and my resolution is to lose weight or clean up the house or pay my bills or whathaveyou.

Stop for just a moment there. Just pause.

When the cute guy or girl at the grocery store asks how your day is going, do you really feel obligated to tell the whole and dirty truth: that you just had a bad day at work, and the cat just puked on your carpet so you have to buy cleaner? Not so much, eh? You smile and say, I'm fine, how are you? or perhaps you even go for a pickup line. That's what's happening here. Just breathe for a moment with me, we're going to be okay.

So, a few suggestions.

First, there's no one grading you here. In the kink example: no one knows or cares if this is really your most forbidden kink. There is no one with a scorebook or a lie detector. (Although that could be a fun scene.)

Second, this is your opportunity, and one you don't get very often. Right here, right now, you have the opportunity to say something that might encourage more of what you want from the scene. If you're looking to play more publically, you might say that you want that. If you are looking to be left more to yourself at parties, this would be a lovely time to say something about your singular devotion to your dom. No one is asking you to confess your secret Daddy play fixation in front of everyone. (Um, ooops!)

Third, you get points just for answering. For the resolutions, I really paid attention to the folks that didn't resist the question, or argue with it, or try to use a cop out. I paid a lot of attention to the folk that answered with something - maybe not their "real" resolution, but something. Why? Because those are the folks showing me in this moment that they have the social skills to use an opportunity like this for connection, and to speak up for something they want. And those, my friends, are the people I want to be playing with. In a few cases, I made note of the actual resolutions. In most cases, I just noted who spoke up.

Finally, the more specific the better. Saying that you want to "play more" is a start, but not terribly helpful as an icebreaker. It doesn't tell me if you want to top, bottom, or go sideways. It doesn't tell me if you're looking to play more in your bedroom or at parties, with just your partner or with others. It doesn't tell me if you're into singletails, canes, floggers, needles, mindfucks, cageplay or rope. It doesn't tell me much at all that helps me to get to know you better, and that's where it really falls down on the job.

For myself? I believe I said that I want to be doing a lot more rigging this year, both in my mundane and magickal life and on cute bottoms at parties. When I got a couple of volunteers, all the better. I made a date to play with one of them the very next day, fulfilling both our resolutions at once. Huzzah! Maybe next year I'll be ready to be even more specific, resolve to perfect the art of hair bondage or something like that. Who knows?

That, my friends, is what the icebreaker is for. It's your 20-second opportunity to put your best face forward to ask for something you want from your community. No more, no less. No panic.

Now go forth, and break that ice!