Poly pioneers, self-knowledge, and courage

Sometimes you just see the right thing on waking.

I've been giving a lot of thought to polyamory lately. The thing about poly is that there simply is no rulebook. Certainly there are pioneers who try to write about their journeys. And, some of those pioneers being actual relationship therapists, they have useful things to say. Deborah Anapol's Love without Limits is one I read early. Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy's The Ethical Slut is quite a good one. There's a newer rant called Redefining our Relationships by Wendy-o Matik which I have to say is one of my favorites right now (probably because it reminds me of my early rants on the topic).

Polyamorous folks are in the early stages of a very new kind of relationship. Which means that all of these pioneers can really only map out their own routes, and those of their tribes, and try to make sense of it all. The best route depends on the weather, the people, whom you're travelling with, your supplies, your navigator. So I worry about those folks who start holding up The Ethical Slut like it's a rulebook rather than a navigation tool. I worry about what will happen when they get lost on the path and find that Dossie is not in fact going to fly in and play judge and arbiter. Nope, only true consensus is going to serve any relationship.

One friend is fond of saying that there is no substitute for clear and open communication in the moment. And so I tend to think that statements like, "I'm queer," or "I'm poly" or "I'm kinky" should start discussions rather than end them.

But if there are no rules, there are still adages. Those pioneers come back with some crazy Zen wisdom in their forays. A friend in an open marriage once said to me, "There are no rules, Miriam! Only agreements!" (I think he was actually talking about drumming, but who am I to turn down a useful saying?) For most of the last year I've been chewing on that one like a Zen riddle, slowly teasing out more and more of it. Every once in a while I light up in a smile thinking I might have it, but it's a slippery little koan.

Today, Monk shares another quote from a poly person that lands for me:

She was talking about poly, about doing the more difficult things involved with being poly. She said to me, “The thing about courage is that it is not about the absence of fear, rather it is about committing to something in spite of your fears.”

Interestingly enough, T. Thorn Coyle hits almost exactly the same notes yesterday about the task of self-knowledge.

Different topics? I'm thinking not so much. In Thorn's article, the task of self knowledge happens within the context of love, the "fabric of all". This task of seeing and being seen is difficult work. Among all the other challenges polyamory brings up is more opportunities for being seen, all at the same time. That can feel like liberation, and it can feel like claustrophobia. Which it feels like at any moment has a lot more to do with my personal practice than it does with my lovers.

And this week I am reminded again, by those around me and myself - personality does not go away because insight has arrived. Personality is still danced with, laughed with, struggled with, loved and hated. "Know thyself" means this, too. The knowing does not make things disappear, no, it makes things appear more clearly. And sometimes that doesn't feel good at all.

But we see ourselves. Not wholly good, not wholly bad. We just are. One little piece in the web of life. And that, too, is perfection.