Hesitancy, Boldness and Commitment

Those of us who cross both [the pagan and the kink] communities are in an especially fortunate place to begin this work. We know who we are; we're the ones that people approach timidly when they need to do a ritual to commemorate X, or to help them face Y. Perhaps we discuss it with them, and come up with a framework, and then they have to go away for a year or more and think about it before they can work themselves up to actually doing something about it. That's all right. It's what we're there for.

-- Raven Kaldera
Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM and the Ordeal Path

My mythic ancestors did things the hard way: broke their hips wrestling with angels in the long night, walked forty years in the desert to cross a relatively short distance, created a glyph in which the point of connection is immediately followed by a long slog across the Abyss.

I reckon sometimes this might explain my internal wrestling. Each step of my work takes as long as it needs to take: working a triad of the Tree of Life, or stepping into priestessing my first public trance, or working through the steps of my personal initiation. Each runs deep for me. And long - years, for most of these. And as obvious as it seems after attaining each new level that I just had to "want it enough", the fact is that desiring each attainment as fiercely as possible in the moment didn't really help me work toward my goals any faster until I had also done the waiting and the work. The fear and the ambivalence were all part of the process, too.

It's the same in the scene.

Well, at least for me it is. I watch some of the younger members of the BDSM scene with awe. Five, ten, fifteen years younger than I am, sometimes they seem fearless going from one new experience to another with blinding speed and ferocity. It's inspiring.

They seem fearless. Perhaps they are, but I don't think that's it. I suspect it's that they commit to new experiences, and keep showing up.

Tops used to seem fearless to me. Priestesses, too. When I was a baby bottom, it sometimes seemed like those Tops had everything completely figured out, and were simply born fearless. A few of the members of the local BDSM club sometimes came to our local pagan salon, and to a one they terrified me. They sometimes invited us to come to meetings, munches, parties. This was twelve years ago, when I was still working desperately to overcome a sex abuse history and using meta-programming techniques to become more "sex positive". Ummm, thanks for the invite, but . . .

It took a few years before I moved beyond a bit of spanking and bondage to take part in more intentional BDSM scenes, still longer before I was able to clearly articulate my desires. I had been playing privately for several years before I began attending my first munches, meetings and classes, and another year still before I began attending public parties and SIGs.

Now that I know a bit more about the scene, I no longer see Tops as fearless. Or priestesses, for that matter. I know what it is to stand in the center of circle, surrounded by eighty witches, and to manage to get my lines straight. I know what it is to have something go wrong in circle and figure it out anyway so the magick comes off. I realize that Tops and priestesses both have fears. They simply have better techniques than most for encountering, naming, and working with those fears in partnership. (And if they don't - watch out! This is not a person you want to be in scene or circle with!)

Those fears don't go away, per se. But perhaps the fears become allies and partners. The fears show us where the power is.

And when that happens, we can begin to dance with the fears intentionally, leading them toward transformation rather than being led.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

attributed to Goethe

In a priestessing class, one of my teachers did something very clever. He asked, "Who in this class has never drummed for circle?" And when several of us stepped forward to say we hadn't, he said. "Great! You're our drum core for the ritual starting in ten minutes!" And there we were. We had all of 15 seconds to stare at one another wide-eyed with fear before we had to get right toward planning what we'd do, while the teacher found other priestesses to push past their comfort zones. I've made a point since then of looking at ritual planning with that eye: finding the place that I'm least comfortable and taking that role, intentionally. Not taking on something I can't do -- that would be irresponsible. But taking on something I am capable of doing, but haven't pushed myself toward doing yet.

I've done the same thing with the scene. Almost every threshold I've crossed has been because I've taken a risk. The first time I was caned, my then girlfriend negotiated the scene with a Top friend of ours. The Top said, "Now you have to get her to say 'yes'." I'd been paying only half attention. I said yes and then asked, "What did I just say yes to again?" Being responsible, I think the Top would have happily let me back out at this point; informed consent is still the name of the game. But pride wouldn't let me back out, which was just what she was counting on. I do the same thing with myself as a Top. "Hmmm? Oh, yes, sure I'd love to tie you up for the party next week!" And then I'm committed. Key up two weeks of planning for a lovely scene. And I follow through.

The key, then, is committing. Signing up for the ritual. Winning the tickets for Shibaricon at auction. Beginning the class. Finding that place at the edge of my comfort level and going toward it actively rather than shying away. Those places of committment are where the power lies.

Wrestle, if you need to. I still believe the wrestling and the waiting are part of the process. Being ready is critical. But in those opening moments of readiness, begin it now. We are not fearless, but we may choose to be bold.